Being sad and angry for no reason

I kind of disappeared for a month… Sorry about that. I have had a lot going on, and just haven’t had time to write. And to be honest, I haven’t had an inspiration to write about either. Or I might have had an idea, but on the next day, when I might had had time to write, it hadn’t seemed such a good idea anymore.

I have also been feeling a bit sad lately. Sad and angry with no reason. And when I have no reason to be angry, the anger turns towards myself. My internal monoloque becomes more and more negative and critical about everything I do or even think and want.

When I’m in this state of mind, I just want people to treat me badly, because then I would atleast have a reason to be angry and sad. If people are treating you unfairly or being rude to you, it’s completely understandable to be sad about it. But being sad for no reason makes me feel so spoilt, because everything is well in my life, and many people have so much more troubles than I do, and still I can’t be happy and gratefull.

For a while I even entertained a thought about something that I would say was self-destructive behaviour. I don’t drink alcohol because I don’t like the taste of it. Also I’m not interested in one night stands, first of all because a thought getting so intimate with someone I don’t know makes me uncomfortable, and secondly, going home with a stranger I have just met that night seems unsafe. I might have watched too many crime shows, but you never know what kind of crazy murderer you might end up with. Well, anyway, for a while I thought about going to a bar one night, getting drunk and having a one night stand with whoever was willing to go home with me. But then I realised that I don’t have time to do that!

I know that this kind of behavour isn’t necessarily self-destructive. Some people might simply be bored of being virgins and want to get it over with. But for me the motivation behind it was, as I stated earlier, that I wanted people to treat me badly. I couldn’t stand the idea of someone treating me gently, I just wanted them to use me for their pleasure and not care about what I wanted. (I don’t mean I wanted them to rape me, more like once they’ve had their fun they just roll over and fall asleep regardless of whether I felt satisfied or not.) That would most likely make me feel even worse, and that was exactly what I wanted.

One thing that helped me was being around other people. I couldn’t just snapp and be angry at people for no reason, that wouldn’t be fair. When I tried to make me seem happier I also felt happier for a while. Unfortunately I live alone and mostly also work alone, and I don’t really even have friends in this city where I live, so I spent most time alone with my thoughts, which didn’t really do anything good to my mood.

Thank you for reading!



Is this accepting the situation or giving up?

There are several aspects of my life that I’m not happy about, but lately I’ve stopped trying to change them. But I’m not really sure is it because I’ve accepted the situation (which I think would be a good thing) or have I simply given up trying to change it (which wouldn’t be so good). I have two examples for you.

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Are women too picky when it comes to men?

Lately I’ve read from different online conversations how so many men are unwillingly single, because women want pretty much perfect man and are therefore tuning down men that aren’t perfect, but still decent, nice guys. Men on the other hand would happily date almost any woman. I’d hate this to be true, because it sounds so sad, but recently I’ve started to wonder, if it actually is true…

Continue reading “Are women too picky when it comes to men?”

Am I too independent for a relationship?

For the past year, I’ve been extremely busy during my free time. My weekends are booked for weeks, even months ahead with meetings with friends, travelling, theater and other events. I have already learnt that if I want to do something, I have to decide a day for it as soon as possible, because otherwise there won’t be time for it.

I’m also very self-sufficent: for me it’s no problem to go alone to a movie or a play, for example. Heck, I even went to France for a weekend recently just by myself! Usually, if I want to do something, I first look at my calendar and decide a day, when I have time for the thing, and then I might tell my friends: “I’m doing X on that day, you are free to join me if you want”. Of course, if one of my friends says that they’d love to come with me, but they can’t on that day, I’m willing to change my plans if we can find a better date that suits us both, but if not, then I go alone.

Obviously, if I’ve planned to do something especially with my friend, then I have to take their schedules into account too. I’ve noticedthough, that finding time that suits both can be tricky. And then it might be so that I don’t get to do the thing at all (if we were going to see a movie or a play for example).

For most parts, I don’t mind doing things by myself. Only if I’ve planned to do something with my friends, and then it takes longer than expected for my friends to show up, I might start to feel abandonend. Usually these are situations, where we haven’t agreed very exact time, when we are meeting, and I might have been ready and waiting for my friends to arrive or call me about the schedule for hours.

I think that this habbit of making plans and then just announcing them to people works quite well with friends and relatives, as long as I’m not expecting anything from them. Obviously, if I’m planning on spending the night at someone’s place, for example, I can’t just announce that by the way, I’m coming on this day, be ready for me… 😀 But, since I’m always thinking about dating and relationships, I’m a bit worried about how my future boyfriend is going to react to this habbit of mine.

Of course, if we had something planned, I wouldn’t just one-sidedly change the plans and say that I’m doing this instead. But for example, if we were both free for the weekend, and there were a movie I’d like to see in the cinema, I think I might just say: “I’m going to see that, you’re free to come too if you want”. Would that be too independent and not taking my partner into consideration enough?

On the other hand I would find it weird to “ask permission” in a way, to do things, and I don’t have the need to spend all the time together with my partner. This is something I have wondered with my parents also. My dad has a hobby that keep him busy during weekends for 2-3 months every autumn, and my mom often complains how they can’t do anything during this time because my dad’s hobby. The thing that I don’t understand is, why she doesn’t make plans on her own for that period then. It’s not like she wouldn’t know when the period starts. But maybe I just don’t understand that because I’ve never been in a relationship…

Thank you for reading!


Why am I crying?

Lately I’ve been unusually teary. Sometimes I’m not even feeling sad, but still I just start crying over something. I know that being emotional can be caused by hormones of the menstrual cycle, but I’ve always thought that this would happend sometime before or during periods. But my periods just ended only a few days ago, so could it be just that?

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It’s all lies!

A post about positive feedback and encouragement

I find it difficult to accept positive feedback and encouragement. When someone compliments me on something, I find myself thinking that they either don’t really mean what they say, and say it only to not to hurt my feelings, or that they are complementing me only because they are unaware of some facts that would make them change their minds.

Continue reading “It’s all lies!”

I don’t know which dream to pursue

Hi all!

For a long time, I have had three major dreams that I would like to achieve in my life:

  • Get married and have children, preferably three or four at least
  • Work as a dancer, a dance teacher or something else relating to dancing
  • Buy an appartment from central Helsinki

In theory, I could achieve all these dreams. They aren’t really contradictory, and in fact living in Helsinki would probably be beneficial for a career in dance, since that’s where most of the work opportunities in Finnish dance field are. But when I start to really think about what kind of adjustments to my life is needed to reach each of these dreams, I get the feeling that I’m only realy able to reach only one of these dreams, if even that…

Let’s start with the first one: Get married and have children. For this to come true I should start looking for a boyfriend more actively. To be honest,I woudn’t terribly mind that, but I just don’t know where I should be looking. I’m in the age where, if I want to date someone about my age or older, they are most likely already settled down and have a job and a life in the city they are currently living. Since I don’t want to stay permanently in the city I’m living  now, I don’t think there would be much sense to look for a partner here. Since I want to live in Helsinki in the future, it would seem like the most logical place to look for a partner, but that could mean living in a long distance relationship for an indefinite period of time, because I don’t have any idea when I would actually be able to move to Helsinki. Another option would be to look for a partner from anywhere in Finland, but then there is the “risk” that I fall in love with someone who already have a life somewhere else, and might not even want to move to Helsinki.

Then there is the second one: work as a dance professional. This I could achieve by studying dance or, if  I’m unable to get into a vocational dance school, I could still keep doing my dance projects on my free time and try to get into the professional dance field that way. But if I went back to studying or started to work in dance field, my income would most likely be considerably smaller than at the moment. This would then mean, that I woulnd’t be able to put as much money on my savings account for a apparment in Helsinki. Also I would probably need to postpone having children, and then I might not be able to have at least as many children as I would want.

Then htere is only the last one left: buying an appartment in central Helsinki. I have pretty much given up on my first dream, and the second one I consider achievable in theory, but highly unlikely. But the last one of my three big dreams I know I can achieve. All I have to do is save money and at some point find a job in Helsinki. It might take a while, but if I’m patient enough I can make it happend. This is why this dream feels maybe the least rewarding of the three: achieving it has nothing to do with my personal abilities and qualities and anybody could do it. But it’s the one that, to me, seems most likely to come true, so maybe that’s the one I should try to achieve.

I’d like to hear your comments and thoughts about dreams and how to keep achieving dreams that seem impossible or at least highly unlikely to ever come true.

Thank you for reading.