Last summer I got into a small fight with my friend when she wanted to do something that I guess we technically had a right to do, but it still felt rude to me, so I refused. During this argument she at one point said to me “Don’t be so difficult.” That sentence really stuck to me and I have been thinking about it ever since. At that time I didn’t disagree with her just to be difficult and out of spite, but maybe I still was acting in a way I shouldn’t have…
I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned it here before, but I love planning. Or to be honest, I’m not sure if love is the right word for it, because I just can’t help doing it. Just recently I caught myself planning for what I’m going to do during my summer vacation in July, even though it’s only the second week of the year! You could say that I’m very future oriented, always thinking about what’s coming next.
For a while now, I’ve been thinking why the thought about having sex with someone makes me so nervous. I understand that I might feel different when situation becomes less hypothetical and I actually have someone to have sex with, but this is what I feel now when I try to imagine it. I have found out four reasons for feeling nervous, two of which are more to do with me and my physical body, and two of which are more about my thoughts.
Last week I made a realisation that I still feel like an outsider at my new dance school, even though this is the third year I dance there and the second year I have my own group to teach. I feel like I can’t connect with the other students and teachers, and they only talk to me when there is nobody else around. They have their own friends already, and even though they wouldn’t have known each other before they started dancing, they have much more in common with our other students. At least to my knowledge, there really isn’t anybody else who has moved here from out of town, so even though they might not all know each other before they start dancing, they have been in same schools and have grown up in the same city so they have that in common to talk about. I can’t really take part in those conversations and if I try to tell about my similar experiences, it’s not really that interesting to them, because they don’t know the people or places I’m talking about.
It seems that I can’t stop thinking about that one guy I was seeing for a while last spring, and I still feel guilty about not liking him enough to continue seeing him. Logically thinking I know that I can’t really reason myself into loving someone, and if the isn’t any chemistry, then it doesn’t matter how “perfect” the other person otherwise is. Even with time, it’s not possible to learn to love or even like all people on the planet. But still I feel like should have been able to learn to like this person.
I have been told many times that I see things as too black and white, good or bad, and I guess that’s true sometimes. But many times I find it almost like a reflex to think about how things might seem for different perspective and can easily see and understand, why other people might think differently than me. I think that these traits together make me question my own wants and reasoning and values (understanding the other side), and then think that maybe I’m wrong and the other one is right (black and white thinking). And since I don’t think I have the right to judge other people and their choices, and I don’t want to challenge other people, I can only think that my opinion is wrong in confrontation.
Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m simply a horrible person. Everything I do or want is just a proof of my selfishness or self centeredness. I don’t want to be a bad person, but trying to change myself feels so exhausting that I often feel like I’d just rather be alone. Then I’d get to do what I want and I wouldn’t be constantly reminded about my inability to function as a decent human being. But isn’t that also a really selfish thing to want: to be alone so that you don’t have to consider other people’s wants and needs?