Last week I made a realisation that I still feel like an outsider at my new dance school, even though this is the third year I dance there and the second year I have my own group to teach. I feel like I can’t connect with the other students and teachers, and they only talk to me when there is nobody else around. They have their own friends already, and even though they wouldn’t have known each other before they started dancing, they have much more in common with our other students. At least to my knowledge, there really isn’t anybody else who has moved here from out of town, so even though they might not all know each other before they start dancing, they have been in same schools and have grown up in the same city so they have that in common to talk about. I can’t really take part in those conversations and if I try to tell about my similar experiences, it’s not really that interesting to them, because they don’t know the people or places I’m talking about.
It seems that I can’t stop thinking about that one guy I was seeing for a while last spring, and I still feel guilty about not liking him enough to continue seeing him. Logically thinking I know that I can’t really reason myself into loving someone, and if the isn’t any chemistry, then it doesn’t matter how “perfect” the other person otherwise is. Even with time, it’s not possible to learn to love or even like all people on the planet. But still I feel like should have been able to learn to like this person.
I have been told many times that I see things as too black and white, good or bad, and I guess that’s true sometimes. But many times I find it almost like a reflex to think about how things might seem for different perspective and can easily see and understand, why other people might think differently than me. I think that these traits together make me question my own wants and reasoning and values (understanding the other side), and then think that maybe I’m wrong and the other one is right (black and white thinking). And since I don’t think I have the right to judge other people and their choices, and I don’t want to challenge other people, I can only think that my opinion is wrong in confrontation.
Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m simply a horrible person. Everything I do or want is just a proof of my selfishness or self centeredness. I don’t want to be a bad person, but trying to change myself feels so exhausting that I often feel like I’d just rather be alone. Then I’d get to do what I want and I wouldn’t be constantly reminded about my inability to function as a decent human being. But isn’t that also a really selfish thing to want: to be alone so that you don’t have to consider other people’s wants and needs?
I didn’t write anything last week, sorry about that. I was going on a holiday, and on top of that I had a work trip during the week, so I just didn’t have time for everything I normally do. But here I am again. Not really sure what I’m going to write about though. Let’s see what I come up with…
I’ve realised recently that one reason why I don’t want to be in a relationship, might be that I don’t like people, especially people I don’t know, touching me. I have noticed some years ago already, that I avoid touching people without a reason. I mean handshakes and other touching that is appropriate for the given situation is fine, but other than that I’d rather not let other people touch me. I have one very awkward photo from my graduation, where a distant relative of mine is coming to congratulate me, and while I’m clearly going for a handshake, she is going for a hug. I have only a few people, a select few of my closest relatives, who I like to hug without any reason. I don’t even hug my friends unless it’s been a very long time since I saw them last, or it’s a special occasion like a birthday. And I’m talking about people I’ve known for from ten to twenty years here. How would this work in early stages of dating or in a relationship? I can’t imagine it going very well…
Lately I’ve often been feeling sad and irritable. Especially I notice this with a couple of my friends with whom I’m often in contact. I’m being snappy and confrontational with them and that’s not like me at all. I don’t want to argue with my friends, but I just feel like I can’t help it: I just suddenly get so angry over the tiniest, stupidest things. It might be a reaction to being stressed over having too many things to do and/or being exhausted over lack of sleep (because I have too many things to do to get to bed at reasonable hour), but I feel that this has started already earlier this year. Lately it has just gotten worse.