I’m hogging the guilt

Hi all!

Sorry for disappearing for so long without a word. I knew I hadn’t posted anything for a while, but I hadn’t realised it has been three weeks since my last post. What can I say? May has always been super busy time for me, but this year it feels like I’m busier than ever, and there simply haven’t been time to sit down and write.

Recently I got into an argument with my friend, and during that argument my friend accused me of hogging all the guilt every time something goes wrong or someone get angry at me, even though both parties would have done something wrong. At that time I disagreed with her, because that argument was definitely my fault, but a few weeks later something happened that made me realise that some times what my friend said about me might be true.

At my dance school we are currently preparing for our spring recital. We have four shows, but most of the girls in my group dance only in two shows because there are two dancers for almost every role. I too have some roles that I do only in two shows, but I also have some that I do in every show, so I haven’t really paid attention to which group I belong to, since I will be dancing every day anyway.  There is this one particular coreograph, where where we are playing the part of two frog brothers, and it’s divided for four girls, so that two girls dance in the first two shows and the other two in the last two shows. I’m one of these four girls

A week or two after the argument with my friend, I was talking with my teacher about what roles I’m doing in what shows. When we were talking about that frog dance, I got the impression that there might be a small mix up, so that the girls who were supposed to dance in the same show would have been learning the part of the same brother. I instantly felt as if that mix up was my fault! I should have noticed it and said something. Later I started to wonder why I felt that way. Surely our teacher should have paid attention to it, or some of the other girls learning that coreograph could have paid attention to it too. It wasn’t just my fault.

My realisation made me think more about responsibility and blame. If I see that something is going to go wrong, shouldn’t I try to prevent it? It feels kind of a dick move to me to watch from the side how something fails and then be like “Yeah, I noticed it, but it wasn’t my responsibility so I didn’t do anything.” But on the other hand everyone can’t be responsible for everything, because that just doesn’t work. And if you’re constantly interfering in things that aren’t your responsibility, even if you’re just trying to help and mean well, doesn’t that make it seem like you don’t trust that the person responsible for the thing can handle it?

I’d love to hear other people’s thoughts about this, because I haven’t come to any conclusion yet. Thank you for reading. Hopefully I’ll be able to write something again soon and don’t disappear again for weeks.

Bye!

I shouldn’t be around other people

Hi all 🙂

Sorry, I didn’t post anything last week. I had quite a busy week but I had set a time when I thought I could write something. But when that time came, I was feeling a bit under the weather, and didn’t have the energy to consentrate on something so demanding. Or on anything really… But now I’m here again and feeling a lot better, so let’s get to today’s post.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be around people, because I end up unintentionally hurting their feelings or annoying them. I have written about feeling the need to isolate myself from other people already, but that was for different reasons. When I wrote about this before, the reason I felt I needed to be alone was, that I sometimes find other people’s company exhausting and need some alone time to rest. In this post I feel like I’m isolating myself from others for the sake of others, because I can’t help hurting them.

I started to think about this thing again last weekend when I was visiting my friend. We had an argument on the last day of my visit, because my behaviour annoyed my friend. I wasn’t trying to annoy her, and didn’t really consider my behaviour annoying, but apparently it was. And this made me think all the other times something like this has happened. For example last autumn I sent 2 or 3 nights at my other friend’s place. After the first night she asked me if I could set the sound of my alarm clock on my phone a bit quieter and also if I could make sure to close the door of her room quietly if I go to the loo during the night. She is a light sleeper and I felt awful for being so inconsiderate and not realising I was being too loud… Another example is from about a year ago when I were rehearsing for my dance school recital. After I had done my part I used to sit there and watch this other girl dance her part. I thought she danced well and often smiled to her encouragingly after she had finished. Or that’s what I thought I was doing, because one time she told me how she didn’t like that I was laughing at her after she had gone through her part. Again, I was horrified, because that’s the opposite of what I thought I was doing!

There are also numerous times that I have said something and realised only later that I might have hurt other people’s feelings unintentionally because my words could have been interpreted in a way I didn’t even realise when I said them. So just by being myself I offend and annoy other people and hurt their feelings. For me the easiest solution seems to be to spend less time with other people, because then there is less chances for me to hurt other people.

But am I being selfish again by choosing the solution that easiest for me. I feel like I’m saying that I can’t be bothered to take other people’s feelings into consideration and therefore I’m choosing the easiest way out. Respecting other people’s feelings and taking those into consideration is a basic part of human interaction, so I feel like I’m lazy and rude and selfsentered for not even trying. Though I have to say that I find my way better than just keep doing what your doing and hurting other people on the way. At least I’m trying to do something.

Thank you for reading. I’m not sure if I have time to write anything more this week, and the next week is going to be totally crazy, but I do my best to write something here soon.

Bye!

My opinions don’t matter

I did a lot of thinking while writing my two previous blogposts, and I realised one thing: I can’t say my own opinion, because I feel like it doesn’t matter or it’s somehow inferior. I consider other people’s feelings and wants more than I consider my own. If I’m in a situation where only one person, me or the other person, can get what they want, I give up what I want so that the other person can get what they want.

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“Let me help you”

A post where I explain how other people’s well-meaning behaviour makes me feel like they are trying to control my life.

Last week I wrote about how my mother worries about me, and wants to take care of me by checking in with me regularly by calling or sending textmessages. I find this a bit restricting, because if I don’t answer, my mom tends to panic a bit, but I feel like I can’t really complain about it either, because she is ultimately doing it for my own good. One of my frieds also does sometimes this kind of similar thing that really frustrates me, even though she does it for my benefit.

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“It’s for your own good”

Some thoughts about my mom worrying about my brother and me, and how it makes me feel.

Last weekend I travelled abroad to meet my friend. To calm my mother I promised to send her a message every day. It was only after my trip when I strated to get annoyed that I, a 25-year-old woman, had to report to my mom every day. She and her sister travelled abroad for the first time when they were a lot younger than I’m now, and I bet they didn’t have to call home every day during their trips.

Continue reading ““It’s for your own good””