I’m hogging the guilt

Hi all!

Sorry for disappearing for so long without a word. I knew I hadn’t posted anything for a while, but I hadn’t realised it has been three weeks since my last post. What can I say? May has always been super busy time for me, but this year it feels like I’m busier than ever, and there simply haven’t been time to sit down and write.

Recently I got into an argument with my friend, and during that argument my friend accused me of hogging all the guilt every time something goes wrong or someone get angry at me, even though both parties would have done something wrong. At that time I disagreed with her, because that argument was definitely my fault, but a few weeks later something happened that made me realise that some times what my friend said about me might be true.

At my dance school we are currently preparing for our spring recital. We have four shows, but most of the girls in my group dance only in two shows because there are two dancers for almost every role. I too have some roles that I do only in two shows, but I also have some that I do in every show, so I haven’t really paid attention to which group I belong to, since I will be dancing every day anyway.  There is this one particular coreograph, where where we are playing the part of two frog brothers, and it’s divided for four girls, so that two girls dance in the first two shows and the other two in the last two shows. I’m one of these four girls

A week or two after the argument with my friend, I was talking with my teacher about what roles I’m doing in what shows. When we were talking about that frog dance, I got the impression that there might be a small mix up, so that the girls who were supposed to dance in the same show would have been learning the part of the same brother. I instantly felt as if that mix up was my fault! I should have noticed it and said something. Later I started to wonder why I felt that way. Surely our teacher should have paid attention to it, or some of the other girls learning that coreograph could have paid attention to it too. It wasn’t just my fault.

My realisation made me think more about responsibility and blame. If I see that something is going to go wrong, shouldn’t I try to prevent it? It feels kind of a dick move to me to watch from the side how something fails and then be like “Yeah, I noticed it, but it wasn’t my responsibility so I didn’t do anything.” But on the other hand everyone can’t be responsible for everything, because that just doesn’t work. And if you’re constantly interfering in things that aren’t your responsibility, even if you’re just trying to help and mean well, doesn’t that make it seem like you don’t trust that the person responsible for the thing can handle it?

I’d love to hear other people’s thoughts about this, because I haven’t come to any conclusion yet. Thank you for reading. Hopefully I’ll be able to write something again soon and don’t disappear again for weeks.