I have told here before that I only have a handful of friends, and I’m fine with that. But the fact that I haven’t been able to make new friends since leaving high school, makes me worry that there might be something wrong with me. I don’t feel like I need more friends, but when I feel that people don’t even want to be my friend, it makes me a bit sad.
Lately I’ve been wondering, if I should be worrying about that I just want to be alone. Just a thought about meeting people is exhausting and I’d rather just spend my free time alone at home. But isolating myself from others like that can’t be healthy?
My view of what being a fangirl is, and why I don’t consider myself as one.
Over the past four or five years, I have gotten more into fandoms and fan culture, and even though I’ve been totally obsessed about several actors, I have never considered myself a fangirl. That’s mainly because there are some aspects that I link with being a fangirl (and a fanboy) that I don’t really like. I’d like to emphasise that this is just how I see being a fangirl, and it isn’t necessarily an accurate description and definetely not all fangirls are like this.
For the sake of simplicity, I’m going to talk only about actors, but this can be applied to other celebrities as well.
For me there is a clear distinction between simply liking an actor and admiring their work, and being a fangirl. This distinction is, that if you simply like an actor, you might want to see more of their work, but you don’t automaticly like all their work, whereas to me it seems that fangirls tend to follow blindly their object of adoration. Their favourite actor can do nothing wrong, and they watch all the works of their favourite actor, no matter if they actually like it or not. If there is a contest where audience gets to vote for the best actor/tv-show etc, they automaticly vote for their idol, even though they don’t even know the other candidates. How can they know that what they voted for is the best, if they don’t even know what the other candidates are like?
I’d like to make it clear that I don’t think there’s nothing wrong in wanting to watch more work from your favourite actor, and even try new genres because of that. But if you only watch a tv-show or a movie, because of that one actor, even though you don’t like it, that’s what I have a problem with. I understand that not everyone can like everything and that’s fine. But watching a tv-show you don’t really like, only because your favourite actor is in it, and stopping to follow it the minute they leave the show, feels like disrespecting the hard work of all the other people who take part in making that tv-show. Like their efforts mean nothing to you. Yes, the show can change during the years and even turn into something that you don’t like, even though you would have loved it before, but just one person leaving the show shouldn’t suddenly make it so bad you can’t watch it anymore.
This thing has been bothering me especially much lately, because I feel like I have started to develop these “fangirl qualities” with my newest celebrity obsession, Aidan Turner. At first I noticed him in tv-show Poldark, and started to follow that show, even though I don’t normally watch historical tv-shows. When the show went on, I started to get really annoyed with the plot and the main characters, but kept watching the show, because I hoped it would get better. Then the second season ended and I wanted to see more of Aidan’s work. Most of it isn’t easily available in Finland, but I managed to find Being human on Netflix. I wasn’t really intersted in it, but desided to give it a go anyway. Now, after the first season I know that it’s too dark and gory for my taste, but I keep watching it anyway. My problem is, that I’ve understood that Aidan’s character leaves the show after third season, and I don’t know if I want to watch the show after that… I kind of feel like I should watch the rest of the show too, and there is only 14 episodes combined in the seasons 4 and 5, so maybe I will.
I’d like to make it clear, that I’m not really saying that people shouldn’t behave like this, because it’s none of my business. If people aren’t hurting anyone or breaking laws with their choises they are free to do as they please. I have no right to say whether someone’s reasons to watch or not to watch a tv-show or a movie are right or wrong. My problem is more about that I don’t want to behave that way, and with this post I’m trying to solve the conflict within me when I notice I’m doing exctly that.
Thank you for reading.
This week has been quite busy, so I have had time to write only one blog post this week. To be honest, next week doesn’t look any better either. Hopefully I’ll be able to get back to two posts per week schedule soon.
And now to the main subject to this post.
I did a lot of thinking while writing my two previous blogposts, and I realised one thing: I can’t say my own opinion, because I feel like it doesn’t matter or it’s somehow inferior. I consider other people’s feelings and wants more than I consider my own. If I’m in a situation where only one person, me or the other person, can get what they want, I give up what I want so that the other person can get what they want.
A post where I explain how other people’s well-meaning behaviour makes me feel like they are trying to control my life.
Last week I wrote about how my mother worries about me, and wants to take care of me by checking in with me regularly by calling or sending textmessages. I find this a bit restricting, because if I don’t answer, my mom tends to panic a bit, but I feel like I can’t really complain about it either, because she is ultimately doing it for my own good. One of my frieds also does sometimes this kind of similar thing that really frustrates me, even though she does it for my benefit.
Some thoughts about my mom worrying about my brother and me, and how it makes me feel.
Last weekend I travelled abroad to meet my friend. To calm my mother I promised to send her a message every day. It was only after my trip when I strated to get annoyed that I, a 25-year-old woman, had to report to my mom every day. She and her sister travelled abroad for the first time when they were a lot younger than I’m now, and I bet they didn’t have to call home every day during their trips.