It’s all lies!

A post about positive feedback and encouragement

I find it difficult to accept positive feedback and encouragement. When someone compliments me on something, I find myself thinking that they either don’t really mean what they say, and say it only to not to hurt my feelings, or that they are complementing me only because they are unaware of some facts that would make them change their minds.

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I don’t know which dream to pursue

Hi all!

For a long time, I have had three major dreams that I would like to achieve in my life:

  • Get married and have children, preferably three or four at least
  • Work as a dancer, a dance teacher or something else relating to dancing
  • Buy an appartment from central Helsinki

In theory, I could achieve all these dreams. They aren’t really contradictory, and in fact living in Helsinki would probably be beneficial for a career in dance, since that’s where most of the work opportunities in Finnish dance field are. But when I start to really think about what kind of adjustments to my life is needed to reach each of these dreams, I get the feeling that I’m only realy able to reach only one of these dreams, if even that…

Let’s start with the first one: Get married and have children. For this to come true I should start looking for a boyfriend more actively. To be honest,I woudn’t terribly mind that, but I just don’t know where I should be looking. I’m in the age where, if I want to date someone about my age or older, they are most likely already settled down and have a job and a life in the city they are currently living. Since I don’t want to stay permanently in the city I’m living  now, I don’t think there would be much sense to look for a partner here. Since I want to live in Helsinki in the future, it would seem like the most logical place to look for a partner, but that could mean living in a long distance relationship for an indefinite period of time, because I don’t have any idea when I would actually be able to move to Helsinki. Another option would be to look for a partner from anywhere in Finland, but then there is the “risk” that I fall in love with someone who already have a life somewhere else, and might not even want to move to Helsinki.

Then there is the second one: work as a dance professional. This I could achieve by studying dance or, if  I’m unable to get into a vocational dance school, I could still keep doing my dance projects on my free time and try to get into the professional dance field that way. But if I went back to studying or started to work in dance field, my income would most likely be considerably smaller than at the moment. This would then mean, that I woulnd’t be able to put as much money on my savings account for a apparment in Helsinki. Also I would probably need to postpone having children, and then I might not be able to have at least as many children as I would want.

Then htere is only the last one left: buying an appartment in central Helsinki. I have pretty much given up on my first dream, and the second one I consider achievable in theory, but highly unlikely. But the last one of my three big dreams I know I can achieve. All I have to do is save money and at some point find a job in Helsinki. It might take a while, but if I’m patient enough I can make it happend. This is why this dream feels maybe the least rewarding of the three: achieving it has nothing to do with my personal abilities and qualities and anybody could do it. But it’s the one that, to me, seems most likely to come true, so maybe that’s the one I should try to achieve.

I’d like to hear your comments and thoughts about dreams and how to keep achieving dreams that seem impossible or at least highly unlikely to ever come true.

Thank you for reading.

Bye!

I’m hogging the guilt

Hi all!

Sorry for disappearing for so long without a word. I knew I hadn’t posted anything for a while, but I hadn’t realised it has been three weeks since my last post. What can I say? May has always been super busy time for me, but this year it feels like I’m busier than ever, and there simply haven’t been time to sit down and write.

Recently I got into an argument with my friend, and during that argument my friend accused me of hogging all the guilt every time something goes wrong or someone get angry at me, even though both parties would have done something wrong. At that time I disagreed with her, because that argument was definitely my fault, but a few weeks later something happened that made me realise that some times what my friend said about me might be true.

At my dance school we are currently preparing for our spring recital. We have four shows, but most of the girls in my group dance only in two shows because there are two dancers for almost every role. I too have some roles that I do only in two shows, but I also have some that I do in every show, so I haven’t really paid attention to which group I belong to, since I will be dancing every day anyway.  There is this one particular coreograph, where where we are playing the part of two frog brothers, and it’s divided for four girls, so that two girls dance in the first two shows and the other two in the last two shows. I’m one of these four girls

A week or two after the argument with my friend, I was talking with my teacher about what roles I’m doing in what shows. When we were talking about that frog dance, I got the impression that there might be a small mix up, so that the girls who were supposed to dance in the same show would have been learning the part of the same brother. I instantly felt as if that mix up was my fault! I should have noticed it and said something. Later I started to wonder why I felt that way. Surely our teacher should have paid attention to it, or some of the other girls learning that coreograph could have paid attention to it too. It wasn’t just my fault.

My realisation made me think more about responsibility and blame. If I see that something is going to go wrong, shouldn’t I try to prevent it? It feels kind of a dick move to me to watch from the side how something fails and then be like “Yeah, I noticed it, but it wasn’t my responsibility so I didn’t do anything.” But on the other hand everyone can’t be responsible for everything, because that just doesn’t work. And if you’re constantly interfering in things that aren’t your responsibility, even if you’re just trying to help and mean well, doesn’t that make it seem like you don’t trust that the person responsible for the thing can handle it?

I’d love to hear other people’s thoughts about this, because I haven’t come to any conclusion yet. Thank you for reading. Hopefully I’ll be able to write something again soon and don’t disappear again for weeks.

Bye!

I shouldn’t be around other people

Hi all 🙂

Sorry, I didn’t post anything last week. I had quite a busy week but I had set a time when I thought I could write something. But when that time came, I was feeling a bit under the weather, and didn’t have the energy to consentrate on something so demanding. Or on anything really… But now I’m here again and feeling a lot better, so let’s get to today’s post.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be around people, because I end up unintentionally hurting their feelings or annoying them. I have written about feeling the need to isolate myself from other people already, but that was for different reasons. When I wrote about this before, the reason I felt I needed to be alone was, that I sometimes find other people’s company exhausting and need some alone time to rest. In this post I feel like I’m isolating myself from others for the sake of others, because I can’t help hurting them.

I started to think about this thing again last weekend when I was visiting my friend. We had an argument on the last day of my visit, because my behaviour annoyed my friend. I wasn’t trying to annoy her, and didn’t really consider my behaviour annoying, but apparently it was. And this made me think all the other times something like this has happened. For example last autumn I sent 2 or 3 nights at my other friend’s place. After the first night she asked me if I could set the sound of my alarm clock on my phone a bit quieter and also if I could make sure to close the door of her room quietly if I go to the loo during the night. She is a light sleeper and I felt awful for being so inconsiderate and not realising I was being too loud… Another example is from about a year ago when I were rehearsing for my dance school recital. After I had done my part I used to sit there and watch this other girl dance her part. I thought she danced well and often smiled to her encouragingly after she had finished. Or that’s what I thought I was doing, because one time she told me how she didn’t like that I was laughing at her after she had gone through her part. Again, I was horrified, because that’s the opposite of what I thought I was doing!

There are also numerous times that I have said something and realised only later that I might have hurt other people’s feelings unintentionally because my words could have been interpreted in a way I didn’t even realise when I said them. So just by being myself I offend and annoy other people and hurt their feelings. For me the easiest solution seems to be to spend less time with other people, because then there is less chances for me to hurt other people.

But am I being selfish again by choosing the solution that easiest for me. I feel like I’m saying that I can’t be bothered to take other people’s feelings into consideration and therefore I’m choosing the easiest way out. Respecting other people’s feelings and taking those into consideration is a basic part of human interaction, so I feel like I’m lazy and rude and selfsentered for not even trying. Though I have to say that I find my way better than just keep doing what your doing and hurting other people on the way. At least I’m trying to do something.

Thank you for reading. I’m not sure if I have time to write anything more this week, and the next week is going to be totally crazy, but I do my best to write something here soon.

Bye!

TMI: Talking about periods

Today’s blogpost is about my periods. I know that not everyone wants to talk about it, but now you’re warned, and you know to avoid this post if you so wish. I definitely would like to talk about this more with my friends, but since I feel like I can’t, I’m going to write about it here. Because this kind of topics are exactly why I started this blog in the first place.

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I can’t make new friends – there must be something wrog with me

I have told here before that I only have a handful of friends, and I’m fine with that. But the fact that I haven’t been able to make new friends since leaving high school, makes me worry that there might be something wrong with me. I don’t feel like I need more friends, but when I feel that people don’t even want to be my friend, it makes me a bit sad.

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I just want to be alone

Lately I’ve been wondering, if I should be worrying about that I just want to be alone. Just a thought about meeting people is exhausting and I’d rather just spend my free time alone at home. But isolating myself from others like that can’t be healthy?

Continue reading “I just want to be alone”