In general I realise that one person can’t be interested in everything, and it would even be unreasonable to expect that. But still, sometimes if a thing I don’t feel interested in involves people, I can’t help but think if I’m being prejudiced or even racist by saying that I’m not interested in it (or them).
For some time now, climate change has been a big topic in public conversation, and for about a month I’ve been really stressing about it. Mainly I feel guilty about not doing enough to fight against climate change. The problem is that the things I feel like I should do, or more precisely should stop doing, are things that I like very much, and I’m reluctant to give them up. And this then makes me feel even guiltier, because it’s about the future of our planet, and shouldn’t we all be prepared and willing to do whatever it takes to save it? And how can I be so selfish that I but my enjoyment and pleasure before the future of the whole planet?!
Last summer I got into a small fight with my friend when she wanted to do something that I guess we technically had a right to do, but it still felt rude to me, so I refused. During this argument she at one point said to me “Don’t be so difficult.” That sentence really stuck to me and I have been thinking about it ever since. At that time I didn’t disagree with her just to be difficult and out of spite, but maybe I still was acting in a way I shouldn’t have…
For a while now, I’ve been thinking why the thought about having sex with someone makes me so nervous. I understand that I might feel different when situation becomes less hypothetical and I actually have someone to have sex with, but this is what I feel now when I try to imagine it. I have found out four reasons for feeling nervous, two of which are more to do with me and my physical body, and two of which are more about my thoughts.
It seems that I can’t stop thinking about that one guy I was seeing for a while last spring, and I still feel guilty about not liking him enough to continue seeing him. Logically thinking I know that I can’t really reason myself into loving someone, and if the isn’t any chemistry, then it doesn’t matter how “perfect” the other person otherwise is. Even with time, it’s not possible to learn to love or even like all people on the planet. But still I feel like should have been able to learn to like this person.
I have been told many times that I see things as too black and white, good or bad, and I guess that’s true sometimes. But many times I find it almost like a reflex to think about how things might seem for different perspective and can easily see and understand, why other people might think differently than me. I think that these traits together make me question my own wants and reasoning and values (understanding the other side), and then think that maybe I’m wrong and the other one is right (black and white thinking). And since I don’t think I have the right to judge other people and their choices, and I don’t want to challenge other people, I can only think that my opinion is wrong in confrontation.
Lately I’ve been feeling guilty about pretty much everything. I feel like I shouldn’t like or want anything I do, because it’s always selfish and inconsiderate towards everyone else. Mostly my guilt is related to climate change and how I’m not doing enough to stop it, but some of it is also based on my relationships with other people.