It seems that I can’t stop thinking about that one guy I was seeing for a while last spring, and I still feel guilty about not liking him enough to continue seeing him. Logically thinking I know that I can’t really reason myself into loving someone, and if the isn’t any chemistry, then it doesn’t matter how “perfect” the other person otherwise is. Even with time, it’s not possible to learn to love or even like all people on the planet. But still I feel like should have been able to learn to like this person.
I have been told many times that I see things as too black and white, good or bad, and I guess that’s true sometimes. But many times I find it almost like a reflex to think about how things might seem for different perspective and can easily see and understand, why other people might think differently than me. I think that these traits together make me question my own wants and reasoning and values (understanding the other side), and then think that maybe I’m wrong and the other one is right (black and white thinking). And since I don’t think I have the right to judge other people and their choices, and I don’t want to challenge other people, I can only think that my opinion is wrong in confrontation.
Lately I’ve been feeling guilty about pretty much everything. I feel like I shouldn’t like or want anything I do, because it’s always selfish and inconsiderate towards everyone else. Mostly my guilt is related to climate change and how I’m not doing enough to stop it, but some of it is also based on my relationships with other people.
I’ve realised recently that one reason why I don’t want to be in a relationship, might be that I don’t like people, especially people I don’t know, touching me. I have noticed some years ago already, that I avoid touching people without a reason. I mean handshakes and other touching that is appropriate for the given situation is fine, but other than that I’d rather not let other people touch me. I have one very awkward photo from my graduation, where a distant relative of mine is coming to congratulate me, and while I’m clearly going for a handshake, she is going for a hug. I have only a few people, a select few of my closest relatives, who I like to hug without any reason. I don’t even hug my friends unless it’s been a very long time since I saw them last, or it’s a special occasion like a birthday. And I’m talking about people I’ve known for from ten to twenty years here. How would this work in early stages of dating or in a relationship? I can’t imagine it going very well…
They say that love is a choice. I get what they mean: when life gets hard, you have to choose to stay in the relationship and work to make it better, and not just leave the minute something seems to go wrong. But can love be just a choice from the beginning? Or does it require some sort of spark or attraction in the beginning?
There are several aspects of my life that I’m not happy about, but lately I’ve stopped trying to change them. But I’m not really sure is it because I’ve accepted the situation (which I think would be a good thing) or have I simply given up trying to change it (which wouldn’t be so good). I have two examples for you.
Lately I’ve read from different online conversations how so many men are unwillingly single, because women want pretty much perfect man and are therefore tuning down men that aren’t perfect, but still decent, nice guys. Men on the other hand would happily date almost any woman. I’d hate this to be true, because it sounds so sad, but recently I’ve started to wonder, if it actually is true…