I kind of disappeared for a month… Sorry about that. I have had a lot going on, and just haven’t had time to write. And to be honest, I haven’t had an inspiration to write about either. Or I might have had an idea, but on the next day, when I might had had time to write, it hadn’t seemed such a good idea anymore.
I have also been feeling a bit sad lately. Sad and angry with no reason. And when I have no reason to be angry, the anger turns towards myself. My internal monoloque becomes more and more negative and critical about everything I do or even think and want.
When I’m in this state of mind, I just want people to treat me badly, because then I would atleast have a reason to be angry and sad. If people are treating you unfairly or being rude to you, it’s completely understandable to be sad about it. But being sad for no reason makes me feel so spoilt, because everything is well in my life, and many people have so much more troubles than I do, and still I can’t be happy and gratefull.
For a while I even entertained a thought about something that I would say was self-destructive behaviour. I don’t drink alcohol because I don’t like the taste of it. Also I’m not interested in one night stands, first of all because a thought getting so intimate with someone I don’t know makes me uncomfortable, and secondly, going home with a stranger I have just met that night seems unsafe. I might have watched too many crime shows, but you never know what kind of crazy murderer you might end up with. Well, anyway, for a while I thought about going to a bar one night, getting drunk and having a one night stand with whoever was willing to go home with me. But then I realised that I don’t have time to do that!
I know that this kind of behavour isn’t necessarily self-destructive. Some people might simply be bored of being virgins and want to get it over with. But for me the motivation behind it was, as I stated earlier, that I wanted people to treat me badly. I couldn’t stand the idea of someone treating me gently, I just wanted them to use me for their pleasure and not care about what I wanted. (I don’t mean I wanted them to rape me, more like once they’ve had their fun they just roll over and fall asleep regardless of whether I felt satisfied or not.) That would most likely make me feel even worse, and that was exactly what I wanted.
One thing that helped me was being around other people. I couldn’t just snapp and be angry at people for no reason, that wouldn’t be fair. When I tried to make me seem happier I also felt happier for a while. Unfortunately I live alone and mostly also work alone, and I don’t really even have friends in this city where I live, so I spent most time alone with my thoughts, which didn’t really do anything good to my mood.
Thank you for reading!