There are several aspects of my life that I’m not happy about, but lately I’ve stopped trying to change them. But I’m not really sure is it because I’ve accepted the situation (which I think would be a good thing) or have I simply given up trying to change it (which wouldn’t be so good). I have two examples for you.
I have never considered myself to be exactly beautiful. I don’t think I’m ugly, but I’m not pretty either. When I was younger I always wanted to become tall. When that didn’t happend, I thought that at least I could be small and petite. But instead, it seems to me that everything about me is big. I’m chubby and have big thighs. I also have wide shoulders, tall forehead and big mouth.
I know that some of these things would change if I lost some weight. But I have realised that I would probably never get the body I would like to have, because some basic structures of my body. First of all, my wide shoulders would make me look big no matter how much I would lose weight. So, I’ve figured that What’s the point of trying to make myself prettier by losing some weight, if it wouldn’t really make the difference I would want it to. What’s the point if I wouldn’t be happy with the end result anyway?
That doesn’t mean that I’m happy with how my body looks though…
The second example is my love life (this topic is hardly a surprise to those who have read any of my previous posts…). I have wanted to have a boyfriend for several years by now. But the truth is that I can’t see myself dating anyone for the forseeable future, not in the next 3-4 years at least. Finding someone aroudn me doesn’t seem likely at all at the moment, and trying to find someone through online dating just seems mean, when I’m so busy for the rest of the year that finding a time for date (especially if it would be with someone who lived in a different city than me) would be difficult.
Before, this thought of spending years alone, when I so desperately want to find someone, would have made an overwhelming wave of sadness wash over me. Now, when I think about spending the next few years alone, my first thought is ”And so what? Who cares?”. Of course I still feel some wistful longing, but mainly I just feel tired even from the thought of trying to include one more piece into the already cramped puzzle that is my daily timetale. The things that occupy my time are things I really enjoy and want to do, so I’m not giving them up.
Even though I’m not going to do anything to change these things, I’m not happy with them. But is this a sign that I have accepted these things as something that I can’t change and therefore am leaving them be? Or have I just given up because making a change seems impossible? I can’t tell.
Thank you for reading!