I have told here before that I only have a handful of friends, and I’m fine with that. But the fact that I haven’t been able to make new friends since leaving high school, makes me worry that there might be something wrong with me. I don’t feel like I need more friends, but when I feel that people don’t even want to be my friend, it makes me a bit sad.
I have met most of my friends in elementary school, and my even my newest friend I met in the beginning of high school, about ten years ago. After that I have studied in two different schools, which means that there have been about 45-60 people I have spent time daily for about 3 years. On top of that there are all the people I have worked with and met through my hobbies. Some of them I would call my acquaintances, but nothing more. Sometimes I have meet people I have really wanted to bcome friends with, but it has never worked out.
I know that not everybody is going to like me, and I also need to do something myself, I can’t just wait for people to make the first move. But I feel like I’m always the only one making an effort. At school if I wanted to sit with my classmates at lunch, I had to find them in the cafeteria. If I was the first one at the table, no one came to sit with me. Also, if I tried to take part in the conversation, people did listen to what I had to say, but then they continued the conversation between themselves, like I hadn’t said anything. And before classes or during breaks, peple might talk to me if there wasn’t anybody else there, but when someone else arrived, I was left alone. No one ever came to talk to me, I had to always go to talk to them.
Someone might call this kind of behaviour bullying, but since it happened in two different schools, I don’t think it just that. The only common thing during these both studies was me, so it must be at least partly because of me. Maybe I was boring or interested in different things than all my clasmates.
Sometimes I even feel that my friends find me boring, so is it any wonder, if some people I don’t know that well feel so too, and aren’t interested in getting to know me better because of that? And what makes me think that my friends think I’m boring? Well, sometimes, when I’m spending time with more than one friend at a time, I feel like I’m not part of the conversation, and my friends interrupt me (several times), if I try to say something. And just few weeks ago, when I was sending an evening at my friend’s place, I sometimes felt, like she was hurrying me to finish what I was saying, like she didn’t want to listen to it.
And this of course, makes me think also about dating. If I cant even make new friends, because I’m too boring or whatever is the reason, how can I ever find a boyfriend? And what can I do to change this?
I’d love to hear your thoughts! Thank you for reading.