Lately I’ve been wondering, if I should be worrying about that I just want to be alone. Just a thought about meeting people is exhausting and I’d rather just spend my free time alone at home. But isolating myself from others like that can’t be healthy?
I have never been really social person. I only have a handful of friends, most of whom I’ve known since I was very small. When I was still at school I saw them pretty much every day, and didn’t often feel the need to spend time with them after school. After we graduated it changed, when we all went to different universities and moved to different cities. Now it’s not anything out of the ordinary if i haven’t seen some of my friends in months, and haven’t even talked to them in ages. And most of the time I’m just fine with this.
Sometimes (very rarely) when i’m feeling sad or lonely, I get this feeling that I should really see my friends. Usually though, all my friends tend to be busy just then. But for the most part, I’m fine and happy on my own.
I wasn’t really worried about this before, when I was still living with my parents, because even though I didn’t see my friends that often, I still saw people (my parents, brother and relatives) daily. And even though I enjoyed it, if I happened to get our whole house for myself, it didn’t feel especially exhausting to be at home at the same time with my parents. If I wanted to be alone, it was enough to go to my room and close the door.
Now that I’ve moved to my own place, I feel exhausted about the thought of spending time at my parents’ house. Closing myself in my room isn’t enough for me anymore, because I can still hear my parents talking (my dad has very loud voice) and watching tv, and all I want is some peace and quiet. Of course, when I’m at my place, I can hear noises from other appartments and from the street, but somehow it doesn’t have the same effect on me, because it kind of comes outside of my own bubble (aka appartment). But when I’m at home, I can’t block the noise the same way, because it comes from closer and somehow forces itself into my bubble.
Sometimes when I’m in places where there are other people, usually when I’m feeling uncertain or selfconcious, I get this overwhelming feeling that I have to get away from all of them. Last autumn I got this feling a couple of times at work. Luckily my boss and my colleague who shared a room with me were both away both times, so I could just hide in my office until I felt better.
Sometimes I wonder, how I can ever build a family with someone, if even the thought of living with other people makes me exhausted. But it’s really not something that I should be worrying yet, when there isn’t even anyone I could potentially start a family with.
Thank you for reading.