This week has been quite busy, so I have had time to write only one blog post this week. To be honest, next week doesn’t look any better either. Hopefully I’ll be able to get back to two posts per week schedule soon.
And now to the main subject to this post.
I have wanted to have a boyfriend ever since I was about 13 or 14, but to this day I have never had one. To be honest though, I fear that I’m not ready to be in a relationship, because I have read so many times, that you have to learn to be happy by yourself before you can be happy in a relationship, and that you can’t expect other people to make you happy. And I absolutely think that I would be happier in a relationship.
One major reason why I want a boyfriend so desperatey, is that I’m starving for touch: hugs and kisses and cuddling (deep down probably sex too, if I’m being honest) etc. I also think like a hug from my boyfriend would feel somehow different from a hug from my friend or my mom, even though I try to tell me that it’s ridiculous. Why would it be any different from hugging any other person I care about?
All in all, I’m trying to convinse myself that a romantic relationship is for the most parts the same as any other relationship, like a relationship to my friends or my relatives. Obviously there are a romantic and intimate aspects that aren’t there in other realtionships, but for the most parts its the same. Spending time and doing things together would be the same. Also I can’t expect my boyfriend to be there every time I feel lonely and want company, because he has his own life too: work, friends and plans. And I don’t even see my friends that often, so how do I imagine I would have time to build a new relationship with someone?
Even though I have wanted to have a boyfriend for a long time already, I haven’t really done anything about it. There are two main reasons for it.
First of all, for some reason, I feel like I’m not supposed to want to have a boyfriend. I mean, it’s fine for me to say that I want to have a husband and children, but by saying that I want to have a boyfriend I feel like I’m also saying that I want to have sex (which to be fair, is most likely true too), and I shouldn’t want that. I know that this thought process is flawed for many reasons, most of all, because wanting to have a boyfriend doesn’t necessarily mean that the person also wants to have sex, and you really can’t get to the point where you have husband and kids before dating and having a boyfriend first. (An desides, having kids in most cases definitely means having sex…)
I dont really know why I feel like this. My parents have never been against me dating (well, there has never really been a reason to). Yes, my dad has occasionally jokes that he has his gun loaded with salt in case I bring boys home, but that just joking. And once my mom said that I’m not allowed to sleep with a boy under the same cover before I was married or over certain age (I don’t really remember which). This was purely theoretical discussion though, and at that time I was so young, that I think it’s absolutely understandabe that my parents didn’t want me to be having sex at that age. But I can’t really be saying that because of one comment years ago, I still feel like I’m not allowed to want to have sex.
Secondly, I feel like I should find a boyfriend as a part of my normal life. I would feel dishonest and deceitful, if I did something just in order to find a boyfriend. Unfortunately I don’t meet that many single men in my normal life. There has always been only a few men in my classes during my school years, work isn’t any better and my hobbies are even worse for meeting men. My friends say that I could still try new things, where I could meet new people, but I can’t really come up with a new activities that I really would be interested in, and where I would be likely to meet men. Of course there are many things that I’m open to trying, but in those cases my main motivation for it would be meeting new men, and not the activity in itself, and that would make me feel fake and dishonest.
Thank you for reading!