I did a lot of thinking while writing my two previous blogposts, and I realised one thing: I can’t say my own opinion, because I feel like it doesn’t matter or it’s somehow inferior. I consider other people’s feelings and wants more than I consider my own. If I’m in a situation where only one person, me or the other person, can get what they want, I give up what I want so that the other person can get what they want.
My mom has talked about this to me for years now. It’s the root of so many of our bigger arguments: my mom tells me her opinion about something that’s going on my life, and maybe even her view of what she thinks I should do. At this point, I feel like the thing I wanted to do or the way I wanted to do it, is bad or wrong and immediately agree to the thing my mom suggested. This then annoys my mom, because she wants to be able to tell me her opinion, but in the end she wants me to do what I think is best. This makes me really confused though, because even though I understand her point intellectually, what I feel though, is that she wants me to do things her way, because my way is somehow bad or wrong, but then she gets mad at me for doing it. It’s like I can’t do right no matter what I do.
Someone might think that since my mom seems to be unhappy no matter what I do, I could do the thing I want, so at least one of us would be happy. But for me things aren’t that simple. When I give up th thing I want, my mom is angry at me for it, and I might be sad about it, but if I did the thing I wanted, my mom would feel disappointed and/or worried (depending on the situation) and I would feel guilty about making my mom feel like that. In this situation I choose the solution that is easier for me to deal with. And it happends to be giving up what I want, because I think that deep down I feel that it doesn’t matter what I want.
Sometimes my friends also unintentionally make me think like my opinions don’t matter. When I meet more than one friend at a time, I sometimes feel like they aren’t interested in hearing what I have to say, and I feel like an outsider in the conversation. I have this problem especially with two friends of mine, because the three of us often spend time together. Sometimes I even start to tell my stori two or three times and always my friend interrupts me. Also another friend of mine likes to call me quite often during her drive home from work. Our conversations tend to be really onesided though, because I can’t get a word in, because she talks so much.
Last summer I did a couple of daytrips to Helsinki all by myself. During the first trip I though how nice it was to travel alone, because I was finally able to do just what I wanted. Normally when I’m travelling with my friends, I usually agree to do things they suggest, even though I’m not really that interested in them, because the important thing is to spend time with my friends, so what we’re doing is really just a sidenote, right? And if I happend to suggest something and my friends don’t seem to be as exited about it as I am (for example if their reaction is “ok, we can do that” instead of “Yes, let’s do that, it sounds really fun!”), I feel like I’m forcing my friends to do something they don’t want to do.
I feel like this post isn’t the most coherent of posts, but hopefully you get my point. I think it boils down to me thinking that other people aren’t interested in my toughts and wants and feeling that what I feel, think and want is somehow inferior to other people’s wants, thoughts and feelings. Most likely this really isn’t the case at all, and all these problems are only in my head.
Thank you for reading. I try to write more next week.