Last weekend I travelled abroad to meet my friend. To calm my mother I promised to send her a message every day. It was only after my trip when I strated to get annoyed that I, a 25-year-old woman, had to report to my mom every day. She and her sister travelled abroad for the first time when they were a lot younger than I’m now, and I bet they didn’t have to call home every day during their trips.
My mom has always worried for me and my brother. When I was younger and was staying out late, she used to call me sometime during the evening. Even if I was at my friend’s home and had said that I’m not going to go anywhere else, at some point during the evening she would call me and ask if I was still at my friend’s. And of course she would call to my brother too when he went out. The difference was (and still is) that my brother didn’t let our mom worrying stop him from doing the things he wanted to do, and going to places he wanted to. I, on the other hand, felt quilty for making my mom worry about me. If I went out, I felt like I had to be constantly checking my phone in case my mother would call, because I knew that if I didn’t answer (for example if I didn’t hear the phone in a noisy room), my mom would panic. This made me not want to go anywhere and I prefered to stay at home. Well to be honest, I’d have prefered to stay at home anyway, but this made me prefer it even more.
Now that I live in a different city, my mom calls me every day. During these six or seven months I’ve lived here, there has been two instances when I haven’t been able to answer her right away. Once because I had gone to the theatre and once because I was talking on a phone with my friend. In both cases, when I finally noticed that my mom had tried to call me, she had already tried to contact me through my phone, whatsapp, skype and had even called to my work phone.
And now this trip I made made me think, when I’ll be old enough that I don’t have to report to my mother every day? If I some day start to date and even get married, do I still have call or message my mother every day? Because I’ve understood that some partners might find this kind of behaviour a bit annoying… Or would my mom in that case feel that there is someone else there to take care of me, and therefore she wouldn’t have to worry so much? That thought makes me feel like I’m just some thing that is passed from one person to another to take care of.
During my trip I realised that the fact that my mom worries so much about everything I do, makes me feel like she doesn’t think like I can manage on my own. She probably doesn’t mean it that way, but it’s how I feel. I was genuinely surprised, when everything went smoothly during my travel and I did it all by myself. So when I feel like my mother doesn’t think I can do something, I don’t believe it myself either.
We have talked about this subject with my mom a few times, but our views about it are so different that I don’t think there is a solution that we all could be happy with. My mother’s parents used to worry for her and her sister too, and my mom felt it showed that they cared for them. So it upsets her and hurts her feelings, when me and my brother say that we don’t really like her worrying about us so much, because she herself liked it when her parents did it, and she feels like she is only showing us that she cares. She feels also that it’s impossible for her to start worrying less so simply stopping the daily contact would only make her feel worse, and I at least would feel more quilty.
I also feel like it’s ungrateful for me to complain about something that she is doing only for my best interest, even though I don’t really want her to do it. Because she does have a point. If something ever happends to me, I get hurt or in trouble and am incapable of calling for help or answering my phone, police won’t start looking for me just because I haven’t answered my phone for a couple of hours. But my mom definitely will, and it could save me.
I have another post about this same theme I want to write, but I probably don’t have time to write anything before next week. My life is starting to get really busy it seems.
Thank you for reading! I’d love to hear your comments.